I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
