Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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