And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize