I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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