I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
