you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
