We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you inspire me to be a worse person
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
