i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
