I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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