so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I didn't notice because vodka
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
