If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
