she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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