My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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