i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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