I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
