I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
