My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
