The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
