Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize