I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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