Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you would pick up someone in the library
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
