Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize