is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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