My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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