why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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