remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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