Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
