so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Actions speak louder than pants.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
