Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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