at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
