Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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