i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
