What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
What a dumb baby whore.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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