last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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