made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
