I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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