??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
