Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
