I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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