True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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