Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
