forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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