It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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