Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
