She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
