I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
