She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
