sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
