Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
