I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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