Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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