i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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