I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
