so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
