I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
