I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
