cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
