do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
