Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
