He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
