Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
